Churchill once called depression his 'black dog'. I understand that completely. I have a little poem that I wallow in. I wrote it when I was in high school and it hasn't changed much as I've gotten older. I think that it's one of the reasons I write. I have enough Faith to make it true when I write.

I think it's time to share it, maybe take away some of its power over me. Nobody wants to be unhappy in their heart of hearts. In the town where I live are several Elders from the local Aboriginal tribes. I was chatting with a gentleman yesterday. Somehow, he manages to weave in wisdom in his everyday words and it sounds wise, caring, not hokey like they make it out in the movies. He walks his talk, this Elder friend of mine. The conversation went something like this:

Me: The Universe is a weird place. Sometimes it sends you what you need, but you have to be smart enough to listen.

Elder: And sometimes, you have to be brave enough to ask for help.

It struck me. It stayed with me. Do I ask for help? Really ask? It takes a great deal of one of the seven teachings (the seven teachings are principles to live by, like the 10 commandments from the Bible, that every Aboriginal tribe I've ever heard of in Canada try to teach their children. At least if they are traditional), Humility, to ask for help. Am I humble? Probably not. At least, not when I ask for help. I'd rather be the one helping. Rather not be vunerable. I don't mind if they see me as weak or injured. That's their perception, so long as I do not see myself in that light. I cannot let go long enough to need anyone that much. So here's my poem, my mantra of self-pity, opened up to the Universe. Help me, Creator. Help me to have Faith.

There are things I ache to believe in. Things I want to be true.
Things that, if the Universe really is listening, will be proven solid and tangible and true.

Love at first sight.

That there is someone for everyone.

True love never dies.

Good will triumph over Evil in the end.

Miracles are real.

But these are things of Faith. Things that are only proven to those who already believe.
And I am Faithless.

Hello, my name is Taryn and I'm a book junkie.

I can't help it. I read. It's what got me through my mother's cancer and looooong recovery. It's what got me through high school. It's what's got me through just about every crisis I've ever had. I retreat to books, I fight evil in books, I fall in love in books, I am the white knight in books, I am safe in books.

So my roommate better damn well hurry up with the next Percy Jackson novel I just bought *grins*. It's okay. She got to it first and I have a few (90) on my ereader to take up my time until she finishes.

Happy Heart!

So I started playing around with stuff and have decided that the site was looking a little drab. I needed a new look. Not totally sold on this one, so you may yet see some remodeling, but it's up for now.

Started to gym-and-swim with a friend. We're aiming for twice a week. That, combined with walking the dog, should be a decent shot in the arm. Now, if I can just get my eating under control...happy heart. Ah, I went there! No!

Back to the writing. Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Yeah. So, the resolution to blog more often. I tripped up. Sometimes I just can't imagine who would want to read this thing, so I wonder what's the point. But, here I am, in the off chance that there is someone there in reader world who would like an update of my life...

I actually went to the dietician here. I was angry afterwards. Eat smaller portions (duh!), and go in with a happy heart. Losing weight will be easier for you if you do. Now I just shake my head, though if my friend whispers 'happy heart' at me while I eye the Easter candy up here once more I may smack her. A happy heart? That's your advice? I'm morbidly obese and you tell me not to eat as much and go with a happy heart? My taxes paid for that advice. OHHHHHkaaaaay. Deep breath,  creative visualization of Marx bros. routine performed in a certain office and move on. On your own.

So I did what I always do, looked to books to see if there are any sources of information or something that might help me find strategies to work on this on my own. Found a few. I'll blog if they're any good. Happy heart my ass.

Though it works to have someone else say it as my hand drifts to the Cadbury eggs. Happy heart. Or when I don't really feel like walking the dog. Happy heart.  Or when I substitute for a classroom that has decided to be little buggers. Happy Heart. In that way, it's a wonderful tool. Very freeing. Happy Heart.

Not so great at getting me out of bed though. Still don't quite know the key for that. I hate mornings.

On a side note, I am currently sitting at 9 books read for the year. NOT my greatest average. I count the novellas as 1/2 a book, otherwise it looks like I'm padding my numbers when I'm not trying to. Seems to me I've read more, but I'll be damned if I can remember where I've put the other ebooks I might have read. Meh, it'll work out in the end. March break is coming up and I'm getting over this whallop of a flu that had me in bed for 4 days straight. Routine slowly creeping back into my day. I'll be good. Get back in the groove for 2 books per week, if I start reading during lunch and before bed again.  Ah well, ta for now!